fuck me

i guess i deserve to be treated like shit. i guess i only deserve the kind of love like my mom and dad's- where it's literally just abuse and violence. i keep on asking myself where did i go wrong, is it really easy to mistreat me all the time? do people not think of me?

at the end of the day, im never enough. people will always search for something better, something that's not me but also their inability to let me go. weird, its as if im the trophy but then how the fuck am i a trophy? im not even pretty or smart. maybe im just the savior, kinda. a home u can return to when things go wrong with other girls. hahaha.

it's so unfair how im always the one who get treated like a piece of trash. im just trying my best, im really trying my best. i did everything i can, but obviously it will never be enough. people will only feel the need to backstab me over and over again, ignoring the fact that i am already so in pain. ignoring the fact that ive so much to deal with, my traumas and my suicidal thoughts.

why cant people just leave, peacefully? kenapa mesti juga buat something that'd shatter me to pieces? isnt it easier if people just leave instead of making a mess out of everything? god, im tired. im tired and im heartbroken. but at least this time im the one who dump people kan ahaha. it hurts less i guess. i dont want to love anymore. im tired, and i dont want to show people the vulnerable side of me ever again.

i dont want people to have access on my body anymore. i dont want to give people the power and ability to fuck me over anymore. i deserve so much more, and if it takes me to be alone to stop feeling like shit then so be it; alone it is. i give up.