same old shit

its the constant thinking that my life is a cycle of the same loop, its the constant self sabotaging, its the fear of being abandoned, so i leave first. i mean, i realize when people have second thoughts about me okay. i keep on thinking about all the shits that happened and then i question my self worth, triggering my fight or flight response lol. you cant just think straight when you've been wronged for so many times :)

but its okay, this time ill manage. i promise i will. i am starting to fall into the same pit again but ill make sure ill rise back up. i think im doing quite well compared to last year and 3 months ago. i stop myself from crying too much and i try not to think about harming myself. so far okay la... boleh la. but not gonna lie i think the only thing thats stopping me is the fact that my blade is rusty. ahahhaa. yesterday i started having suicidal thoughts too. im reminded of my unsuccessful suicide attempt 3 weeks ago and i feel the need to do it again.

but im a good girl so i didnt. i wont say im coping in a healthy way bc im obviously not, my sleeping schedule is fucked, i dont eat and i barely open up to people. i have the urge to smoke like hell too. im in pain, my heart hurts like shit. im trying to see things in a different light. maybe this break up is a blessing in disguise for him. is it funny that i dont wish him hell, unlike my first ex? i dont want him to be happy without me, sure, but i dont wish him hell. i just wish we'd heal and grow from all these mess.

its needed. at least he wont have to deal with me being mad all the time and i dont have to deal with the feeling that he dont care and hes changed. its a win win situation so its okay. its okay. im trying to accept that this has come to an end. thank you for the beautiful memories even though our last month of being together is hell for me.