home takes time.

“kita usahakan rumah itu,” – sal priadi

lagu di dalam playlist what id play on my wedding, lagu yang barangkali tidak akan dapat dimainkan pun.

mungkin rumah yang dimaksudkan adalah bukan dalam bentuk sekujur tubuh dan pelukan, bahkan mungkin juga bukan dalam bentuk sebuah konkrit. mungkin ia hanyalah impian yang aku tidak mampu realisasikan untuk diri sendiri, albeit it being my only dream in life. masih jadi tanya tanya, if i'm just taking my time, atau i should just stop dreaming. whatever it is, i'm learning to make peace with it. biar lah kalau tak dapat dicapai pun, mungkin Tuhan rasa aku tak layak.

mungkin rumah yang aku impikan bukan lah dalam bentuk sebuah tawa dan gurauan, mungkin juga bukan dalam bentuk sebuah kenyamanan. nothing changes, im still homeless even after a year. getting told to “quit it” when you’re just being playful- again and again, does something to you & your feelings. inner child yang tidak dirayakan. i want to be celebrated, i want to be shown off, i want to be talked fondly about. tapi mungkin aku yang tak bertoleransi, jadi untuk aku harapkan benda ni, it's kinda stupid right?

it's okay if home takes time. it's okay if ill never get to make a home out of anyone anymore. it's okay if i'll never get to reside in one. and perhaps, like all things we long for, home isn’t something to be had, it’s something that quietly escapes us, even as we chase it.

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sense of familiarity

wow, its been so long since i write. so many things have changed. the guy we loved so dearly? yeah he left and got together with another girl in less than a month after breaking up. parents? they're not so bad now, they're trying... a little. work? we still struggle with it. oh, we're diagnosed with bipolar type 2 now btw! and we've been taking meds daily from the end of 2022 sampai sekarang :D life is still a little funky here and there.. but we're not actively suicidal anymore.

its been almost 5 months since you broke up, the pain have subsided a lot. we dont really cry about it anymore, id say we've moved on. we're getting to know a guy we met from tinder (again), and it's going.... okay? except for the fact that you can't stop thinking about how you're too much... you feel a lot, you need a lot but he's not the guy that we used to date... no matter how much you hate ur ex now, you still think he's... home? well not exactly, but he was everything you wanted. he gave us the comfort we needed without us thinking we're too much. our energy was always reciprocated. not with this one though... you can't really feel that with this new guy. you're constantly thinking if it's even the right fit, him and us.

though ive moved on, i still crave the sense of familiarity. i miss feeling like i belong somewhere, like i belong in a pair of arms. the one i can go to anytime. we've been homeless for quite some time now. 

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same old shit

its the constant thinking that my life is a cycle of the same loop, its the constant self sabotaging, its the fear of being abandoned, so i leave first. i mean, i realize when people have second thoughts about me okay. i keep on thinking about all the shits that happened and then i question my self worth, triggering my fight or flight response lol. you cant just think straight when you've been wronged for so many times :)

but its okay, this time ill manage. i promise i will. i am starting to fall into the same pit again but ill make sure ill rise back up. i think im doing quite well compared to last year and 3 months ago. i stop myself from crying too much and i try not to think about harming myself. so far okay la... boleh la. but not gonna lie i think the only thing thats stopping me is the fact that my blade is rusty. ahahhaa. yesterday i started having suicidal thoughts too. im reminded of my unsuccessful suicide attempt 3 weeks ago and i feel the need to do it again.

but im a good girl so i didnt. i wont say im coping in a healthy way bc im obviously not, my sleeping schedule is fucked, i dont eat and i barely open up to people. i have the urge to smoke like hell too. im in pain, my heart hurts like shit. im trying to see things in a different light. maybe this break up is a blessing in disguise for him. is it funny that i dont wish him hell, unlike my first ex? i dont want him to be happy without me, sure, but i dont wish him hell. i just wish we'd heal and grow from all these mess.

its needed. at least he wont have to deal with me being mad all the time and i dont have to deal with the feeling that he dont care and hes changed. its a win win situation so its okay. its okay. im trying to accept that this has come to an end. thank you for the beautiful memories even though our last month of being together is hell for me.

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