my january sums up in a blogpost

im in the middle of nowhere. who do i turn to? who do i run to? living in a constant battle with myself because im too afraid to let go, and also feeling content because i dont give a fuck as much anymore. but then who would have thought, being in the grey area drains my energy more. thats weird. i thought it would balance. but nah.

being happy for a while and then feeling like shit in the blink of an eye. feeling like im finally letting go of my misery and then suddenly falling back into the deepest pit of darkness right after. why is everything temporary for me? when will i feel eternal happiness? when will i feel joy that actually lingers? when will i find reasons to stay alive? when will i ever get out of this hell hole?

im afraid to let go because of what could have been. its all the what ifs. what if i let go & i will never find absolute comfort in an arms again? what if when i let go i will never feel like im enough to one person? that i dont have to put on much effort to look "acceptable". that i can just talk freely without feeling the need to hide myself because i feel ugly. its the what ifs.

but then, on the other hand, what if i finally let go and then i find myself in the state of pure happiness? welp, too bad thats the only positive what if that i can think of. lagi banyak negative dari positive. but the positive one is priceless, like if i hit the jackpot then the negative what ifs semua hilang. but like i said, it outweighs. for now.

maybe i should not rush. maybe i should take things slow and see where life brings me. maybe its true, that ill forever stuck in this darkness, or maybe ill finally be free. but for now, im still so confused with all the changes. i wish ill find myself the answer soon. im tired, confused and overwhelmed.