i don’t miss a person. i miss a feeling.

“have you even moved on?”

i’ll always cringe a bit and throw the question back, “why do you ask?”

“because you keep talking about it. you keep comparing.”

but here’s what i wish i could say, i don’t miss him. i miss the feeling. the feeling of being safe in someone’s arms. the ease, the comfort, the quiet. i don’t miss him. i hate him. i’m embarrassed thinking about how i wasted four years of my life with someone like that but i won’t lie and pretend that those four years weren’t real. he loved me. not enough to stay, but enough to make me feel secure for a while.

im tired of trying to communicate in a language they'll never be fluent in. i miss being comforted before they even knew what was wrong. i just want... to be comforted... i miss being held when i didn’t have the words. im tired of having to explain every single emotion i feel like it’s some sort of essay. i didn’t have to do that before. dulu selalu dipujuk rayu. sekarang… apa apa yang dia nak bagi, terima jelah. hahaha.

i don’t want a person from the past.

i just want to feel understood again.

emotionally.

fully.

quietly.

that’s all.

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home takes time.

“kita usahakan rumah itu,” – sal priadi

lagu di dalam playlist what id play on my wedding, lagu yang barangkali tidak akan dapat dimainkan pun.

mungkin rumah yang dimaksudkan adalah bukan dalam bentuk sekujur tubuh dan pelukan, bahkan mungkin juga bukan dalam bentuk sebuah konkrit. mungkin ia hanyalah impian yang aku tidak mampu realisasikan untuk diri sendiri, albeit it being my only dream in life. masih jadi tanya tanya, if i'm just taking my time, atau i should just stop dreaming. whatever it is, i'm learning to make peace with it. biar lah kalau tak dapat dicapai pun, mungkin Tuhan rasa aku tak layak.

mungkin rumah yang aku impikan bukan lah dalam bentuk sebuah tawa dan gurauan, mungkin juga bukan dalam bentuk sebuah kenyamanan. nothing changes, im still homeless even after a year. getting told to “quit it” when you’re just being playful- again and again, does something to you & your feelings. inner child yang tidak dirayakan. i want to be celebrated, i want to be shown off, i want to be talked fondly about. tapi mungkin aku yang tak bertoleransi, jadi untuk aku harapkan benda ni, it's kinda stupid right?

it's okay if home takes time. it's okay if ill never get to make a home out of anyone anymore. it's okay if i'll never get to reside in one. and perhaps, like all things we long for, home isn’t something to be had, it’s something that quietly escapes us, even as we chase it.

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sense of familiarity

wow, its been so long since i write. so many things have changed. the guy we loved so dearly? yeah he left and got together with another girl in less than a month after breaking up. parents? they're not so bad now, they're trying... a little. work? we still struggle with it. oh, we're diagnosed with bipolar type 2 now btw! and we've been taking meds daily from the end of 2022 sampai sekarang :D life is still a little funky here and there.. but we're not actively suicidal anymore.

its been almost 5 months since you broke up, the pain have subsided a lot. we dont really cry about it anymore, id say we've moved on. we're getting to know a guy we met from tinder (again), and it's going.... okay? except for the fact that you can't stop thinking about how you're too much... you feel a lot, you need a lot but he's not the guy that we used to date... no matter how much you hate ur ex now, you still think he's... home? well not exactly, but he was everything you wanted. he gave us the comfort we needed without us thinking we're too much. our energy was always reciprocated. not with this one though... you can't really feel that with this new guy. you're constantly thinking if it's even the right fit, him and us.

though ive moved on, i still crave the sense of familiarity. i miss feeling like i belong somewhere, like i belong in a pair of arms. the one i can go to anytime. we've been homeless for quite some time now. 

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