entry journal #3

it doesnt get better. i feel more and more sad and drained everyday and i dont know if i should even continue this relationship. otak fikir, kenapa nak teruskan bila impian dan mimpi kau hancur berkecai? hati pula tengok orang tu lama lama dan fikir, boleh ke aku tinggalkan dia? boleh ke tak nampak dah muka dia? sejujurnya penat, sejujurnya aku rasa lambat laun mesti akan berakhir juga. life is starting to feel like putus atau terus by judika again. am i fighting for this relationship or am i delaying the end? sedihnya.

Tuhan, kenapa jahat dengan aku? besar sangat ke impian aku, kenapa it feels impossible? aku tak minta banyak, i just want to build a home of my own. itu je aku minta. to be happy, to feel content and to feel safe in the hug of a man called my husband. kenapa tak boleh?... tak cukup ke kau tak bagi aku figura seorang ayah, kasih sayang ibu bapa yang tak berbelah bahagi? i have made peace with that, but why are u asking me to make peace with not getting married too? i really dont deserve nice things in life?

sekarang rasa macam sedih sangat tengok family family kecil. i used to really want that, now i can just look at them and wonder what my unborn child would look like, if i would be a good mom, if i would ever feel the pain of labor. hahaha selalu terfikir whether nanti aku boleh bersalin normal tak macam mama? ke kena czer? tapi lepastu sendiri kena mcm suruh diri sendiri stop la sebab aku tak rasa i will ever.. get to experience that. kenapa Tuhan cipta aku dalam dunia ni kalau dia taknak bagi aku rasa apa yang orang lain dapat rasa? 

Tuhan, tolong lah aku. kalau aku memang tak ditakdirkan untuk semua ni, ambil la aku. penat lah hidup lama lama tanpa arah tuju. penatnya hidup bila otak kau tak selari dengan hati. i have nothing to look forward to in life anymore, aku dah taknak hidup. u gave me one reason to stay alive, just for u to take it back from me? what do i hold on to now?

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entry journal #2

kosong nya. i dont even know how else to explain it, its just this weird feeling when i look at you and my heart isnt full anymore, instead it just aches, and i keep wondering if this is gonna be temporary sebab kita baru nak start over or if something in me has completely changed. right now i feel like my heart is so guarded, walls are up again, and i dont know if ill ever be the same anymore.

im forcing affection, forcing smiles, forcing myself to care in the same way i used to, hoping it will somehow burn and spark again. but so far, nothing. its so empty to the point i keep asking myself, “betul ke apa aku buat ni” and what’s worse is i’m starting to find the things i used to think were cute about you, sekarang jadi benda yang annoy me a little. semua benda yang dulu buat aku senyum, sekarang buat aku rasa penat. empathy dah hilang, rasa nak faham pun tak ada, rasa apa-apa pun tak ada.

and then theres all the words youve said, the ones that stuck in my head like theyre etched in stone, every sentence a reminder of how one-sided this whole thing has been, and every time i replay them in my head, kadang rasa sedih, kadang rasa benci. but honestly lebih kepada benci. benci dengan diri sendiri yg sanggup telan semua haritu, benci dengan cara aku bagi seratus peratus pada orang yang bagi balik maybe tiga puluh. its exhausting, and im not sure if this guardedness is just me healing or me quietly letting go.

or maybe, just maybe...

im not guarded because im scared of getting hurt again. im guarded because i already know i will, and i dont care enough to stop it anymore.

monday, 11th aug, 2.21pm

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entry journal #1

and on that saturday night, something in me died. the eagerness, the softness, the love, even... i told my friends that this, for some reason, hurts more than being cheated on and i havent stopped thinking about it since. this hurts. different kind. and it stings more. the sting lingers, and it stays with me. i have to make peace with the fact that if even my parents couldn’t love and care for me, why would a man, someone born of another’s womb, ever want to? right?

and making peace with that? it means killing every little hope ive ever held, piece by piece. well maybe this is the safest way to protect myself now; to stop hoping. to stop wanting things to happen. 

if this doesnt work out, this time ill just take it as a blessing in disguise. aku akan tahan sehabis baik, aku akan persetankan apa yang aku rasa dan fikir just to see if this relationship is really worth saving. oh this time i actually got a chance to prove myself! so ill use it well. im a little pessimistic, but we'll see about that :) i hope this is for the better.


monday, 4th aug, 8.10 pm.

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