entry journal #3

it doesnt get better. i feel more and more sad and drained everyday and i dont know if i should even continue this relationship. otak fikir, kenapa nak teruskan bila impian dan mimpi kau hancur berkecai? hati pula tengok orang tu lama lama dan fikir, boleh ke aku tinggalkan dia? boleh ke tak nampak dah muka dia? sejujurnya penat, sejujurnya aku rasa lambat laun mesti akan berakhir juga. life is starting to feel like putus atau terus by judika again. am i fighting for this relationship or am i delaying the end? sedihnya.

Tuhan, kenapa jahat dengan aku? besar sangat ke impian aku, kenapa it feels impossible? aku tak minta banyak, i just want to build a home of my own. itu je aku minta. to be happy, to feel content and to feel safe in the hug of a man called my husband. kenapa tak boleh?... tak cukup ke kau tak bagi aku figura seorang ayah, kasih sayang ibu bapa yang tak berbelah bahagi? i have made peace with that, but why are u asking me to make peace with not getting married too? i really dont deserve nice things in life?

sekarang rasa macam sedih sangat tengok family family kecil. i used to really want that, now i can just look at them and wonder what my unborn child would look like, if i would be a good mom, if i would ever feel the pain of labor. hahaha selalu terfikir whether nanti aku boleh bersalin normal tak macam mama? ke kena czer? tapi lepastu sendiri kena mcm suruh diri sendiri stop la sebab aku tak rasa i will ever.. get to experience that. kenapa Tuhan cipta aku dalam dunia ni kalau dia taknak bagi aku rasa apa yang orang lain dapat rasa? 

Tuhan, tolong lah aku. kalau aku memang tak ditakdirkan untuk semua ni, ambil la aku. penat lah hidup lama lama tanpa arah tuju. penatnya hidup bila otak kau tak selari dengan hati. i have nothing to look forward to in life anymore, aku dah taknak hidup. u gave me one reason to stay alive, just for u to take it back from me? what do i hold on to now?