i don’t miss a person. i miss a feeling.

“have you even moved on?”

i’ll always cringe a bit and throw the question back, “why do you ask?”

“because you keep talking about it. you keep comparing.”

but here’s what i wish i could say, i don’t miss him. i miss the feeling. the feeling of being safe in someone’s arms. the ease, the comfort, the quiet. i don’t miss him. i hate him. i’m embarrassed thinking about how i wasted four years of my life with someone like that but i won’t lie and pretend that those four years weren’t real. he loved me. not enough to stay, but enough to make me feel secure for a while.

im tired of trying to communicate in a language they'll never be fluent in. i miss being comforted before they even knew what was wrong. i just want... to be comforted... i miss being held when i didn’t have the words. im tired of having to explain every single emotion i feel like it’s some sort of essay. i didn’t have to do that before. dulu selalu dipujuk rayu. sekarang… apa apa yang dia nak bagi, terima jelah. hahaha.

i don’t want a person from the past.

i just want to feel understood again.

emotionally.

fully.

quietly.

that’s all.