numb

ive never been this numb. it has come to the point where i really dont know what im feeling. i havent get a decent sleep in ages, and i dont even feel exhausted. every time i have to go to school, ill just panic for hours and wont be able to sleep. so i stay, lie awake in bed staring at the ceiling. sometimes ill cry, sometimes ill just stay quiet and think about how school would go. and then the cycle just goes on and on. the most sleep that i got is probably like, 2 hours.

and even its just for 2 hours, i can never doze off in the class. not even when the teacher is teaching, not even when theres no teacher in class. i can never sleep. ive been sleepless for so long and the only time that ill enjoy my sleep is when i dont have to go to school lol, like suddenly i can sleep early than usual hahaha. but still gonna be suddenly awake for nothing, though.

im hella suicidal. this is so sudden, but ive been thinking about killing myself and im so scared. im starting to cut myself back, ive even start doing research about things that could kill me. so far dah search about racun paraquat but i dont know where to get those lol. i cant even be in the second floor of my school without thinking about jumping off. macam lah boleh mati nak terjun dari tingkat 2 pft. but overall, school is hell. im not happy there, cant seem to even crack a smile sincerely.